Oh no! Not again!

I've been thinking about a wonderful woman I met at CTCA last fall. Her name...Katherine. she and I had a lot in common. We spent a great deal of time sharing our cancer journeys and I had the privilege to pray with her. We shared the same oncologist team at the center. She and I had female reproductive type cancers, although the doctors were unsure if she had uterine or ovarian or cervical cancer. Many of the chemo concoctions I had, she had had. But they made her tremendously ill. We tried to arrange our visits to the center at the same time. Unfortunately, she had to get in quicker than her scheduled time or she was often too sick to travel. So I left her a Get Happy and Well basket of goodies for her next visit. Our shared nurse made sure to get them to her. Through the winter, spring and summer, Katherine struggled to get her pain under control. Many visits to local oncologists and hospitals, trips to her beloved beach house, time with friends, children and grandchildren and hospice. I phoned her not long ago and left a message. She did not respond. Her daughter called me Thursday morning (July 31) to tell me that Katherine had passed away in peace earlier that morning. Yes, she is with Jesus now. But she will be dearly missed.

Monday evening at precisely 9:30 pm I grew restless with upper abdomen pains. They were like sharp gas pains. No matter how I lay, they wouldn't subside. Finally about 11 I left our bed and went to the couch so I wouldn't wake Tim. The pain grew worse through the night. I thought maybe it was just painful gas but it didn't seem to move down the intestines. It was pain worth crying for. Tim was up around 5:15 and I told him about my pain and I didn't know what to do. The ER is out of the question, calling my oncologists would probably earn me the response, "you will need to come in to see me". So we waited.

Tim sent out a message for people to pray early Tuesday morning. I had received some free tickets to take David and friends to see "Fire and Rescue" (Planes 2) that day and had been anticipating that surprise for David for nearly 2 months! But I could barely walk upright to the bathroom. So my dear friend, Laura came and picked up David by 8 and Tim tended to me. I called my Onc team at CTCA when they opened just to give them a heads up. they said give it a couple days to see if it subsides. By evening, we had lots of people praying for us and the pain had moved down to my lower abdomen and pelvic area.

Wednesday the pain did not subside but I was able to move around thankfully. I walked around the block with David in hopes that my bowels would work a little better. I started Miralax. I called CTCA and said I really don't want to wait through the weekend because these symptoms feel very familiar...like when I was first diagnosed. So we made plans for me to see Dr. Niu Friday afternoon. The CT scan was scheduled for Friday morning. I had a plane ticket for Thursday night.

Through a prompting of the Holy Spirit and a confirmation through her husband, Laura offered to join me on the trip. I am so thankful she did because it turned out that i needed her help. God knew and God provided!!

My last CT scan was early June -- no visible tumors but tumor marker rising.  This CT scan was the same -- no visible tumors but tumor marker rising, by 100 points. So now they are 1880. It's a number. Is it reliable, Not really. But the trend of the number is something to watch. And now that i am showing more symptoms my options are to repeat the tried and true chemo concoction I had last June-Oct 2013 (6 rounds), or try another chemo concoction which I have no idea how my body will respond, or try an oral chemo pill which makes my feet and hands peel and become very sensitive. Or, do nothing and "call hospice".

Hard decision. I decided on the familiar one with hopes that we could stay on top of the nausea and life would not be too interrupted! Who has time for all this cancer stuff??!

I had my infusion Friday night. I was very drained afterward. Before the infusion, I hadn't been able to eat well since I feel like I swallowed a beach ball - that's how full I feel! The mornings are the hardest because I feel so full I can barely drink all my beloved coffee!

Laura and I left the center Saturday morning. Thank God again for her availability to join me. I was not energetic at all and needed a wheelchair assistance. But then I pushed the wheelchair for a bit to make myself move. Get the bowels going, keep the bowels going...that is of utmost importance for me!

So it's now Sunday and i feel tired but able to move around. I am grateful. I will be returning to the center every 3 weeks for treatment.... at least 3-6 months.

Thank you for your continued prayers. I am always hopeful for God's will to be done in my life!! I do pray that His will is for me to be around to raise David well into his 20s!!! Praising God, because He IS good:-)

"stable" tumor marker -- CA 125 is 1,770

I have been going to CTCA (Cancer Treatment Centers of America) in Phoenix since June of 2013. This last visit I heard something I haven't ever heard from my oncologist there..."Why don't you just come back in two months".

Since I started treatment there I usually travel about every 3 to 4 weeks to go get treatment. So when Dr. said I will see you in two months I was both leaping for joy and hesitant. It's quite strange that life reeeaaallllyy rolls in between these appointments -- If I can describe it it's like holding your breath for the blood work results, specifically the CA125. You get "the number" and then say oh, I can do this for another 3 weeks! It's kind of like living from appointment to appointment. Weird.

My July 7th appointment my CA125 only went up 10 points so it is considered "stable". It's 1,770. I have minimal symptoms - my stomach feels as if I have been doing a lot of crunches, but I haven't. Sometimes my mid-to-lower back on the right side is achy and, I often feel as if I have achy menstrual cramps. If I stand too long the ache grows and I get relief when I sit down. I wonder if the exterior of my intestines are "inflamed" as they were when I was first diagnosed.

I had a CT Scan June 17 and it didn't show any tumors. Praise God!! My Dr. thinks some lymph nodes might be involved hence the reason why my abdomen has these symptoms. Who really knows?...God only. I am so very grateful that I feel good and I don't have to be on any treatment TODAY. One day at a time..."Live in the present" as my dear cousin reminds me:-)

It's been just over 2 years since my "debulking" surgery. Two and a half years since diagnosis. Life is good and God is Great!

So currently I am on no chemotherapy! No Avastin! The last Avastin treatment was May 19, 2014. I had been on the oral chemotherapy from February to May 19. The Dr. said obviously it's not working since my numbers are going up. BUT, there are no visible tumors so perhaps it IS (was) working???
I am doing Vitamin C IV treatment with a local ND. I had 3 treatments before May 19. My Dr. at CTCA thought it was a waste of money since there is no scientific study. Since I have been completely removed from chemo and Avastin I have been getting the IV-C every week, 26 grams. It "can" attack the cancer cells and kills them or, just help me build a strong immune system.

I must have a strong immune system -- My now 5-year old has been through so many colds, flu, and croup since my diagnosis and I have yet to get one of his colds!! If my immune system is "unable to fight the cancer" why is it able to fight common colds and flu?? I certainly don't understand this body God created!!

I am invincible...

until God says I'm not.

That is something Tim said a lot when we were dating. It has stuck with me. It's so true. Don't we all think "that will never happen to me!" But the unexpected does and then our faith is truly tested. How will I respond to this shocking news?? Will I turn TO or AWAY from God?

I just got news that a fellow CTCA patient died on Saturday. Tim and I met her and her husband in June when we went for our first visit. Annika and Jay live in Utah just 20 minutes west of us. Their parents live a couple blocks from us. Annika and Jay have 5 children between the ages of 5 and 16. Please pray for them. I don't even know what to think. I have so many questions for Jay but not sure how and when or IF I should even ask.

My trip to CTCA last week was loaded with appointments. I  got to meet with a gastroenterologist (GI) who is from Beirut. I tried my rough Arabic hellos and how are you on him and he was surprised. We spoke of Beirut and strangely I was comforted by the fact that we had that part of the world in common. He called to tell me that I have an overgrowth of bacteria in my gut. This may be causing the bloating, gas and constipation. He recommended a very strong and expensive antibiotic. I have to see if our insurance will cover it:-)

My CA125 is up again 869. I have to realize it's just a number. I still feel good praise to God! I also have to accept the fact that --unless God heals me completely from this disease during my life on this earth-- I need to say yes I have cancer and yes I have to do x, y, z in order to manage the symptoms and to try and keep this nasty disease at bay.

Still seeking God for His divine direction...

Highlight of my month -- David says, "I love you brighter than the sun, mommy!"

How Time Flies!

January 24, 2014.

A be-lated Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you!

 I can hardly believe I have not updated this blog for a couple months. Thanks to all of you who continue to read and pray for me/us:-)

Last IV chemo was Oct. (that was number 6 I believe)

In Nov. I started on Avastin alone. My numbers went from 255 to 320 to 730. So apparently it is not doing what we had hoped. So my last visit Jan 3, Dr. put me on oral chemo to go with the Avastin which will still be IV form every 3 weeks. No side effects to be expected from the oral chemo because the dose is so low (50 mg/day compared to 1,000 in the IV form). He also mentioned that this is for "quality of life" since the IV chemo tends to put a damper on my lifestyle for a few days.

I started oral chemo Jan 4. I have had no side effects. Since about November I have had a nasty mucus buildup in my sinus -- is it the weather or the Avastin? Now my head is fuzzy. I think it's the weather (or "inversion" as they call it here) in beautiful Salt Lake. I stopped the oral chemo, per Dr. so they can evaluate me when I return Jan 28.

What are other options? Once again I am contemplating an alternative "treatment". Has anyone heard of Protocel? Can you give me any feedback? I realize that diet alone is not helping my particular cancer. If diet alone is the "cure all" perhaps I didn't give it long enough. Maybe I need to throw some alternative "medicine" in the mix.

What do I have to lose? If the conventional path is only chemo. I don't see that as a very viable answer. Yes, it did help shrink the tumors. Has it brought me into remission? no. Would it if I kept taking it? Perhaps, but along the way it may leave permanent damage to my organs. What's a girl to do??

Praying and asking for God's guidance and wisdom.

I would like to hear from you:-)

CTCA

Cancer Treatment Centers of America is a fantastic place to receive treatment for cancer. It is truly patient focused. They actually use a holistic approach although this approach centers around toxic drugs. it's a relaxing place to recover.

I appreciate being able to go to CTCA. It’s an experience filled with mixed emotions. It’s like a healing resort – beautiful grounds, comforting facility  intentionally decorated to lift ones' spirit, soothing color scheme, carpeted hallways and offices, open spaces,  a player piano in the lobby, friendly, supportive staff,  fabulous cafeteria with many organic foods, body/hair salon, smoothie bar, Starbucks café, rooftop seating, chapel, library, exercise room, etc. etc.

I have met many people each with their unique stories.  There is a mix of happy and sad stories.

This cancer disease is such a mystery. Many stories contain the words – they got it all. Then it came back. This is a plague that the medical field still can’t quite completely understand or treat successfully.

I see familiar faces each time I return. Some have changed – the skin color is more yellow or gray, people losing weight, people in wheel chairs, more hunched over, frail, etc. I wonder if I will be like that in the future. Going through the fight of cancer, while the body is slowing failing. Ughhh.

I am so very grateful that I feel good. I am gaining weight (because of my overindulgences I am sure). My tumor marker has come done a little since my last visit. It was 294 and now it is 255. It’s slow, but the downward trend is positive. The doctor still wants me to do a few more chemo treatments, but we decided to do avastin only this time. We will see what my blood work looks like after this treatment and figure out is I should stay on avastin only or return to chemo. It’s nice to have break from chemo. I return to the center after Thanksgiving.

Please pray for the many people who I have met here. So many women who are single and going through this alone. It breaks my heart. I don’t think I could do this alone.

One single lady I met belongs to a large church in Oregon and they have only been to visit her once. No one has organized meals for her, help with yard work, or someone to look in on her each week. I just want to invite her to move in with us and let us love her through basic needs. I pray the body of Christ will see the needs of the hurting people right inside their church or neighborhood and begin serving them.

4, 5, & 6...

Chemo 4 went well! I actually stayed awake during the infusion. The first 3 I fell asleep during the whole infusion and then I am so tired afterward that I need a wheelchair down to the front door.

My dear friend Melissa drove up from the Tucson area to be me caregiver! what a blessing she is! Thank you Melissa Bush!! We got to spend some fun time together, reminiscing and talking about our current lives and dreams. I woke up from chemo infusion refreshed and ready to go.I flew home the day after treatment and had lots of energy and an ability to drink much more than usual after chemo.

Chemo #5 was a very similar experience, praise God!! I was without a caregiver, but it was probably my best experience. I knew that God would be with me because he promises that He will never leave me or forsake me. I had an overwhelming peace and joy treatment # 5 that continued during my days of recovery.

Treatment #6 was a special treat...my mom flew in from Indiana and drove with me, Tim and David down to Phoenix. We stopped at Bryce Canyon (of course it was closed thanks to our "government shutdown"). We were at least able to go to the rim and take a look down into the canyon. We drove onto Flagstaff for 3 days not sure what we would do if the Grand Canyon didn't open. Friday night we got word that Arizona was given "permission" to open its National Parks. So we got to spend Saturday, October 12 at the Grand Canyon. This was my 50th birthday!! What a special treat for us.

From Flagstaff we mosied down to Sedona for a quick lunch and Trolley tour. Absolutely gorgeous scenery. god is so amazing. How can anyone deny his existence?

We made it to Phoenix Sunday night. My appointments started at 7 am Monday morning. Ct scan showed a reduction in tumors. Actually the doctor said that he couldn't see any tumors. My CA125 is still higher than normal but down since the last treatment. they are 295. The Dr. is amazed that my numbers are high but my tumors are unseen. He says this chemo is working for me. He recommended 3 more chemo treatments or just continue on Avastin. We chose Avastin. My recovery from chem #6 has been slow and sluggish. More fatigue and more nausea.

We headed back to Salt Lake Tuesday afternoon. We stopped at the Hoover Dam, then stayed in Henderson for the night. I was tired. Sitting in a car sure can wear me out. I didn't get much exercise time in and I think that contributed to my fatigue.

I hope to post pictures soon!

Thanks for continued prayers!!!

Treatment #4 coming up.

What can I say in 5 minutes or less? Thank you friends and followers for encouragement and prayers!!

Going in for 4th treatment. After the 2nd treatment the numbers have come down to 695 from 1320. That is good news. I will have a CT scan Monday Aug 26th to see what the tumors look like on the inside. I still feel the lumps in my armpits. I hope the scan shows so much progress that the doctor will shorten the # of chemo treatments!!! I am supposed to have 6 total.

I truly believe that God can heal me. Whether or not it His will for me to be healed physically on earth or in Heaven I do not know. I am sure that He has His reasons for this trial. I don't like it, but I do trust His will for my life.

How do you live each day as if it is your last? Or, the month or year? What does it really look like when you have daily responsibilities? How to make memories and document them while you do have energy to do it?

After chemo I have about 8-10 days of fatigue, nausea, and depression. I need prayer to drink, drink, drink. I can't seem to even drink a glass of water per day and I NEED 60 oz. per day.

I have gone off the wagon of my wonderful, strict diet. Do I feel better -- not really. My joints ache, I have gained weight and my skin is breaking out again. Time to get back to good nutrition but I am rebelling against the only thing that I think is in my control.  Bring on the Turtle cheesecake and Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream!!!

Always appreciating prayers,

:-)