I am
looking at chemo treatment #5 Friday April 27th. I can hardly believe I have 4
treatments "under my belt". Actually, I can hardly believe I have
cancer! It totally sucks. My mom sent me a saying on paper, "Chemo
sucks...but if it sucks the cancer out of you it's great!"
I read
some disturbing news last week -- "People die of metastatic disease. They
don't die from primary tumors." The article was (is) about researchers
trying to "interrupt cancer's travel plans." I try not to read about
cancer because it reminds me that I have the wretched disease.
I know
people survive cancer like mine (peritoneal cancer that has metastasized).
I know God has cured people with cancer. I know God has allowed people with the
exact same diagnosis to live long lives with the disease. BUT I am still in
tears. David asked me today, "Mommy why hasn't Jesus healed you?" He
is nearly 3 and asking such big questions!
As a
friend going through cancer treatments recently wrote on his blog, "I am having to empirically learn that
trusting God should come with no emotional expectations attached. He will
be there because He promises to be, not because we can feel him there."
I know God has a plan for me and I trust that He knows what's
best for Tim, David, and me. However, my emotions are getting the best of me
these days. I am experiencing overwhelming tears at the drop of a hat. My mind
is weak and it's difficult to remind myself that God is in control. I
understand the chemo as well as this hormone-related cancer are putting me
through emotional swings. If that is not enough, how about some menopausal symptoms too?! So…tears come
and go just like these new-to-me hot flashes. Boy, they are, shall I say …
HOT!! Do you think anyone would notice
if I just pulled my wig off while in the grocery store or outside working in
the yard!!
We are discovering daily
that cancer and treatment equal a looooooong haul. Every day presents its
challenges. Some days I am energized and enjoying yard work, taking David to
the park, or entertaining and cooking for guests. And some days I can only manage
to sit on the couch, work on the computer, and/or occupy my mind with a movie.
My mood, my physical and emotional health are totally unreliable!! I can serve
dinner one minute, then excuse myself from the table because I am too tired to
sit at the table (or my tummy hurts, or whatever the reason).
I know people get busy and life DOES go on. Tim is
unbelievable and forever serving his family after working all day long. He
needs prayer. Mom needs prayer 'cause she is busy all day caring for David and
me. I need prayer to be strong and to know how and when to talk to David about
life, healing, loving & trusting Jesus no matter what, and death. I feel
like the prayers are waning and my strong tower is cracking. Pastor John said I just need to remind people to pray, so
here is a reminder.
Thank you so very muchJ
